Once I knew the truth, I could no longer talk myself out of…
As with most love affairs, I approached this unexpected chapter of my life doe-eyed and full of hope. The anticipation of something new and exciting gave me butterflies at the mere thought of what was to come. It was a whirlwind from the start, and in a mere three weeks I was in deep.
The honeymoon phase did not disappoint, leaving me breathless at every turn, parted lips wanting to translate my heart’s deepest secrets. I threw caution to the wind, allowing feelings I had never experienced to warm my skin and hold my senses hostage. I surrendered to the beauty of firsts typical of new love, living truly present in each moment with no regard for the future unless it included another moment like the current one.
I allowed myself to travel this path for quite some time on wings of desire and forced optimism even when the light of truth began to seep through the cracks. These fissures born of reality remained no matter my steadfast denial of them. With childish abandon I side-stepped the cracks careful to avoid the veracity each one represented.
Truth. It’s hard to deny once you’ve seen it.
Yet, I continued to see the world through rose-colored glasses whose strength was clearly fading with each passing day, with each incident that brought me closer to a truth I refused to accept.
My dad had a saying, “No puedes tapar el sol con un dedo.”
Translation: You cannot block the sun with one finger.
Inevitably the day arrived when I could no longer talk myself out of the truth I purposely hid from myself in the natural landscape that surrounded me – the truth I submerged in the beautiful ocean waves in hopes it would be pulled out to sea and drowned in the deepest part of clear blue expanse that was my scenery yet also my psyche. The kernels of reality I convinced myself did not exist were hidden behind every palm tree patiently waiting to make themselves visible enough to capture my attention with every sway.
We’ve all been there – coasting through life when out of nowhere a glaring truth shines its light on something we can’t unsee. It stops us in our tracks. It shakes us to our core. Blinded by it we shield our eyes and hearts in an attempt to block its entry, our final attempt to ward off the pain we know it will cause as it stakes its claim on our unsuspecting heart.
Perhaps, your truth came in the form of a dishonest partner, co-worker or even yourself. We lie to ourselves more often than we care to admit which is why the appearance of truth doesn’t always take us by surprise. Deep down we always have an inkling.
For me, it came in the form of a relocation to what many would describe as Paradise. Always up for an adventure, I packed up our belongings and moved my family across an ocean to an island that held endless promises in its very name, Isla del Encanto|Island of Enchantment.
I fell in love with its beauty from the moment I arrived, lost in its mountain ranges and sigh inducing beaches. It felt like I was on vacation. Maybe that is why it was easy to overlook the daily challenges of being a permanent resident in a place that lacks a good education system, a system which drove me to take my children’s education into my own hands and homeschool them. When you’re on vacation you don’t necessarily have to deal with a local healthcare system where the word appointment is taboo, the preference being what I refer to as “the deli system.” Take a number, sit, wait for doctor. Doctor orders lab work. Drive to lab. Take a number, sit, wait for lab technician. Wait a few days. Drive back to lab. Take a number, sit, wait for lab results. Drive back to doctor’s office. Take a number, sit, wait for doctor to go over lab results with you. Living this way is strenuous, especially with young children, in a system you’re not accustomed to – in a land that is foreign to you.
And yet, its people with their zest for life and celebration drew me in time and again. Its expansive beaches invited me to bury my toes and my head in the sand each time I faced another harsh reality I wanted to ignore, another truth that threatened to end this love affair I desperately wanted to linger.
I basked in the warmth of my denial as long as I could until I found my youngest child’s wellbeing threatened in a hospital that couldn’t determine something as simple as appendicitis.
Even the best vacations must come to an end. Undoubtedly, the moment arrives when you hop that flight back to a reality you willingly escaped if only for a short time.
My love affair came to a painful end as I walked away from beautiful surroundings and bid farewell to those who forever touched my life. As with all heartbreak, we hold onto the pain but once the initial disappointment wears off there is room for so much more. That journey taught me things about myself I may never have learned. Each of those lessons comes back to me whenever I catch a glimpse of the seashells and sea glass that fill glass containers throughout my home. They were collected miles from here but I carry them with me for all eternity.
What truth have you been avoiding?
This post was written as part of Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s sentence prompt was Once I knew the truth, I could no longer talk myself out of…
Have you ever read something that instantly spoke to your heart? You just did that.
Your comment just did that for me. Thank you.
❤️
What a heartbreaking journey – you write about it so beautifully. And I love your father’s saying…very wise and very true. I hope he won’t mind if I borrow it!
I can still hear him saying it though he’s been gone a long time.
[…] This post was part of Finish the Sentence Friday, with the prompt “Once I knew the truth…” and was hosted by the fantabulous Kristi Campbell, and the lovely Leah Vidal […]
This is a wonderful piece of writing! I found it so enjoyable to read.
Thank you Pat.
Love this!!!! Brought me back to a truth I didn’t want to accept. Your words could not be more true. For me the truth was very painful but I grew and I take life a little less for granted now. Beautiful essay.
Wow. That was stunning. Well done!
Thank you!
Such beautiful words that I felt I was with you during that brief love affair. And you’re right. The reality of it lingers in our hearts always. Maybe you can return to it again, sans a sick child for next time. 😉
Thank you. We grow from all experience and they weren’t all bad out there.
Ohhhhh such pain and truth and beauty in here, and quite the challenge at the end! There are several truths and a number of inklings I have, which are unsettling and disappointing and sad. I’ve got my head firmly in the sand, and it’s going to stay there for now, for all the Nows I can muster until my fingertips can no longer block the sun.
I’m sure you did the right thing, and eventually, I suppose I will, too. 🙂
We always have those inklings and those that unsettle us are the ones worth a closer look but only when you’re ready.
Yeah. Not yet 😉
So beautifully written….the boomerang truths are the ones that get me….you know those life lessons you need to learn over an over again. My first long term relationship was a kaleidoscope of immature insecurity and wounded souls dancing in unhealthy patterns….took me 4 years to end a relationship that should have been over after a month…..things tend to sour past their expiration date…..we sure did.
The doctors visits sound so so stressful. I, for one, am glad that you made the choices you did after seeing the truth because I got to meet you. To read this. Thanks so much for co-hosting with me this week.
They were extremely stressful! I love that our paths have crossed too! I haven’t been able to read yours. Link kept telling page not found even before the linkup was over. Will have to go straight to your blog.
Once I knew the truth, I could no longer talk myself out of pretending. I had to face it and leave. I could no longer avoid or deny his infidelity.
We were there every step of the way. We are glad we were there to have such wonderful friends. Life is simple, all the bad is neutralized with equally great times with wonderful people and memories to treasure for the rest of our lives. So blessed to have been there at that time.
Mark
We were blessed to have you guys as part of our family during those years. Wouldn’t trade that!
The truth I have avoided is that I love you and Mike very much.
Ha ha. Love you!
Love this! What a writer you’ve always been. So proud of you my friend. Although distance has taken care of keeping us apart……you and all of my elementary and high school friends have a special place in my heart. Nostalgia kicked in….
Regarding your piece: “We always know but are never truly ready to let go until it destroys your gut.”
It is so great to see you stopping by here! I also have fond memories of our childhood years. We were blessed with a great group of friends that forever hold a special place in our hearts.
Gut feelings are always worth paying close attention to – they hold so much truth.
Truly beautiful and brilliant writing
Thank you.
that was beautifully written and I feel quite nostalgic reading it 🙂
Thank you. It definitely had me traveling down memory lane as I wrote it.
Beautiful, simply beautiful
Thank you Kerri.
Always you’re writing make looking inside my head and my heart, and always I have the same answer, You are brilliant, God bless you, #1Fan.
It’s not that I’m hiding from the truths. It’s that I see them, they see me, and yet I do nothing about them.
I think that happens to all of us. We see the truth, yet remain at a standstill. Perhaps all we need at that moment is to see it.