Once I knew the truth, I could no longer talk myself out of…
As with most love affairs, I approached this unexpected chapter of my life doe-eyed and full of hope. The anticipation of something new and exciting gave me butterflies at the mere thought of what was to come. It was a whirlwind from the start, and in a mere three weeks I was in deep.
The honeymoon phase did not disappoint, leaving me breathless at every turn, parted lips wanting to translate my heart’s deepest secrets. I threw caution to the wind, allowing feelings I had never experienced to warm my skin and hold my senses hostage. I surrendered to the beauty of firsts typical of new love, living truly present in each moment with no regard for the future unless it included another moment like the current one.
I allowed myself to travel this path for quite some time on wings of desire and forced optimism even when the light of truth began to seep through the cracks. These fissures born of reality remained no matter my steadfast denial of them. With childish abandon I side-stepped the cracks careful to avoid the veracity each one represented.
Truth. It’s hard to deny once you’ve seen it.
Yet, I continued to see the world through rose-colored glasses whose strength was clearly fading with each passing day, with each incident that brought me closer to a truth I refused to accept.
My dad had a saying, “No puedes tapar el sol con un dedo.”
Translation: You cannot block the sun with one finger.
Inevitably the day arrived when I could no longer talk myself out of the truth I purposely hid from myself in the natural landscape that surrounded me – the truth I submerged in the beautiful ocean waves in hopes it would be pulled out to sea and drowned in the deepest part of clear blue expanse that was my scenery yet also my psyche. The kernels of reality I convinced myself did not exist were hidden behind every palm tree patiently waiting to make themselves visible enough to capture my attention with every sway.
We’ve all been there – coasting through life when out of nowhere a glaring truth shines its light on something we can’t unsee. It stops us in our tracks. It shakes us to our core. Blinded by it we shield our eyes and hearts in an attempt to block its entry, our final attempt to ward off the pain we know it will cause as it stakes its claim on our unsuspecting heart.
Perhaps, your truth came in the form of a dishonest partner, co-worker or even yourself. We lie to ourselves more often than we care to admit which is why the appearance of truth doesn’t always take us by surprise. Deep down we always have an inkling.
For me, it came in the form of a relocation to what many would describe as Paradise. Always up for an adventure, I packed up our belongings and moved my family across an ocean to an island that held endless promises in its very name, Isla del Encanto|Island of Enchantment.
I fell in love with its beauty from the moment I arrived, lost in its mountain ranges and sigh inducing beaches. It felt like I was on vacation. Maybe that is why it was easy to overlook the daily challenges of being a permanent resident in a place that lacks a good education system, a system which drove me to take my children’s education into my own hands and homeschool them. When you’re on vacation you don’t necessarily have to deal with a local healthcare system where the word appointment is taboo, the preference being what I refer to as “the deli system.” Take a number, sit, wait for doctor. Doctor orders lab work. Drive to lab. Take a number, sit, wait for lab technician. Wait a few days. Drive back to lab. Take a number, sit, wait for lab results. Drive back to doctor’s office. Take a number, sit, wait for doctor to go over lab results with you. Living this way is strenuous, especially with young children, in a system you’re not accustomed to – in a land that is foreign to you.
And yet, its people with their zest for life and celebration drew me in time and again. Its expansive beaches invited me to bury my toes and my head in the sand each time I faced another harsh reality I wanted to ignore, another truth that threatened to end this love affair I desperately wanted to linger.
I basked in the warmth of my denial as long as I could until I found my youngest child’s wellbeing threatened in a hospital that couldn’t determine something as simple as appendicitis.
Even the best vacations must come to an end. Undoubtedly, the moment arrives when you hop that flight back to a reality you willingly escaped if only for a short time.
My love affair came to a painful end as I walked away from beautiful surroundings and bid farewell to those who forever touched my life. As with all heartbreak, we hold onto the pain but once the initial disappointment wears off there is room for so much more. That journey taught me things about myself I may never have learned. Each of those lessons comes back to me whenever I catch a glimpse of the seashells and sea glass that fill glass containers throughout my home. They were collected miles from here but I carry them with me for all eternity.
What truth have you been avoiding?
This post was written as part of Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s sentence prompt was Once I knew the truth, I could no longer talk myself out of…