I cling to him, feeling the slippery slope of time catching up to me as the ticks on my watch drum in my ears like a tribal rain dance circling round my brain. If only I could freeze time and force it to turn around and head back in the opposite direction, even if it is against oncoming traffic. I know this is a route he is all too familiar with as he has spent his life on a similar road, always heading in the wrong direction, dodging incoming obstacles. It wasn’t always like this for us. There was a time when we traveled a different road, one smoothly paved with stones of hopes and promises. The uphill challenges on that road seem like small bumps compared to the mountainous climb that is his life now. I hold on tight savoring the hug, not knowing when I will have the opportunity to experience it again. My only thought being that it is the kind of lasting hug I will revisit time and again in the future, when he is out of my reach once more. It is the kind of hug that also makes me revisit the day I officially lost him.
I found him in his room. The youngest of three, he was the only one left with a room at home. As I approached, trying to connect words of comfort I didn’t believe existed, I realized he was putting on a shield of armor I would find impossible to break through. As he tied his green apron strings and adjusted his name tag, the look in his eyes showed turmoil more akin to a battle weary soldier than a nineteen year old stock boy. As my sister and I carried on with our distant lives in other states, my brother had lived the daily nightmare of slowly losing the man we all thought invincible, our father. He said he wished he could just go to work like normal…like none of this was happening. My heart understood his wish more than he would ever know. Still, I couldn’t let him leave as panic swelled within me and the minute hand ticked on the black cat clock on the wall, left over from our younger years and more innocent times.
I did what I thought was right at the time. I somehow convinced my little brother to stay and face our nightmare with the rest of us, and within a couple of hours of being home our father looked around him and took in each and every face in that room including my brother’s. He asked our mother if all his loved ones were there and when she reassured him they were, he took a deep breath and finally went home. I hugged my brother, grateful he had stayed by our side.
I would like to say that was the end of our nightmare, but for my brother it was the beginning of something much worse. For the next eighteen years he has lived behind bars with visitation rights that are never long enough, and in a cell that doesn’t often see the light. He is trapped in darkness. Of his own making or mine?
You see, the day my brother stayed and witnessed our father’s death he died along with him. Gone was the nineteen year old stock boy who played basketball with his headphones on because to choose between the two things that gave him the most joy wasn’t possible. Gone was the son who took pride in handing over the earnings of a grocery store employee to help with the bills at home. Gone was the light in his eyes. When I look into his eyes now I still see the turmoil of that fateful day and no medication has ever been able to erase it. So…I find comfort in revisiting these hugs, for it is the only reminder of the person I once knew.
This really is a good write. Totally congrats on making freshly pressed. What a thrill…good for you !!
Thank you!
It is sad that government of the past think prison is rehab. The new will not use it as rehab. People will get self choice cure simply having their choices limited with a very good psychological testing to ensure that their own choices are working. If they refuse to cure their heads they get executed has terrorists. Prison doesn’t work. It only cages hate to be released when the space is needed fro something else some psycho government need wants instead.
Prison is just inhuman. Mediation ad cure is done better outside of it. Makes it more of a reality call.
Thank you for reading my story and for commenting on it. I want to clarify that the prison I referred to was a figurative one. My brother’s mental illness is a prison of sorts, keeping him from the outside world, from his family, and from his true self. However, I do understand your view on prison and mental health assistance for those in need. Have a great week.
Well then it is a more effective prison. He just has to be allowed more choices in self cure. That would mean more self esteem help and not less. More his choices are OK without being judged.
You are so brave to face and pen it! Very nice…
Thank you.
This brought a tear, your writing is poignant and raw , well deserved on being FP, thank you for sharing this.
I appreciate your words. Thank you for reading.
This is a wonderful piece, Littlemisswordy. It’s very powerful and drew me in. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! It’s well deserved.
Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
Wow. I can really feel your words. Thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you for reading it, and taking the time to comment.
If I was writing as well as this then I would be getting freshly pressed too! Reckon I’ll be following your blog now so that I do not miss more of the same please!
No pressure. 😉 Thank you!
I love your blog and want to nominate you for the Beautiful blogger’s award http://cplayphotography.wordpress.com/2013/02/03/beautiful-bloggers/
Thank you very much.
Absolutely awesome Little Miss Wordy! I am so far behind on reading and here I find you Freshly Pressed!! Woo-Hoo!!! Such a remarkable, honest story!
Thank you! I was as surprised as you were! 😉
Congratulations on being freshly pressed. Well deserved and I loved this personal piece.
Thank you!
This is one of the times when I wish I could write as beautifully as you do. I love few great posts and this is one of them. So beautifully written.
Thank you so much. Your kind words mean a lot to me.
Thanks for stopping by my blog today MissWordy 😉 <3
It’s always a good visit!
AWWWW, you’re too kind!! <3
Exquisite!
Thank you.
thank you for sharing this with us 🙂 its very touchy
I appreciate you taking the time to read something so close to my heart.
that was so touchy, my tears are still rolling down my face. may you find rest, peace, and comfort.
Nasrin A.
Thank you for your words. Writing about this topic on such a personal level was completely new for me. Your words and those of others makes me glad I shared a piece of my life here.
Looking forward to 1000 words take 3!
Me too…I think! 😉
Thanks! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Poignant and stirring! . . . You write beautifully!
You are so kind. Thank you.
Reblogged this on ARZcreation.com.
Your reblogging my words is a compliment. Thank you.
Reblogged this on Whistling Voices.
I’m honored you reblogged it.
Beautifully written….thanks for sharing.
Touching story and quite unique. I loved your take on that image. I don’t know what else to say since you’ve been Freshly Pressed for this wonderful post. Congratulations for that!
I appreciate your words. Thank you.
beautiful 🙂 really unique!!!! hats off!!!
Thank you!
Congrats on a well deserved Freshly Pressed contribution.
Thanks so much!
lovely and a brave post…left me teary…thank you for sharing!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
What a beautiful yet sad story, It completely took me in and made me think of how the characters felt right to the heart. Congratulations on your freshly pressed! truly well deserved 🙂
I appreciate your comment and kind words.
🙂
Congrats to you! Great work! Thanks for your words.
Thank you for reading.
So happy to see you’re freshly pressed!!!! Great writing as usual.
Thank you. Great to see you around these parts. Hope all is well in your world!
[…] 1,000 Words, Take Two: Okay, I’ll take “twiddle” and “phlegm”. […]
Reblogged this on Sou Cristãoe comentado:
Muito bom!
Thank you!
Congratulations on being FP’d! Kudos. 🙂
Thank you!
I was impressed by the direction you went with this. My version focused on somebody in the background dealing with a different set of issues: http://feitcanwrite.com/2013/01/29/one-thousand-words-a-dp-challenge/
Thank you. I’ll head over and check yours out!
So glad you got FP! Especially for such a personal, moving story. Well done.
Thank you so much!
You are really brave to share this story here. some moments are meant to be revisited, life indeed is made up of such moments. Love your writing, a fresh take on the picture given.
Thank you, and you are absolutely right! Being able to revisit those moments is sure to keep us going.
Hey just saw you are freshly pressed. Congrats. You deserved it. 🙂
Thank you!
That’s such a sweet story and really well written too. Thanks for that.
Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
I don’t have words for this. Beautiful heartache? Thank you for sharing this; it couldn’t have been easy <3
Thank you. The topic of mental illness is such a delicate one…even more so for those directly affected by it. I’m glad I approached the challenge this way, although it was not my initial intention. Funny how that works.
Little Miss Wordy,
Thank you for writing this, it’s a courageous post, a very personal one which I think might help others who live with mental illness in their family.
Do you know my serious blog, Black Box Warnings? Would you like to write a guest post?
Eric
Thank you for taking the time to read it. I’m not sure about it being courageous, but it is definitely very personal to me. I would be honored to write a guest post for Black Box Warnings. Will you send me the details or direct me to them?
I must say that this was hard for me to read. I wasn’t sure where it was going at first, but as I continued to read, I just got the biggest lump in my throat. This was simply beautiful and sad all at once.
Thank you.
The last stanza leaves a lump in your throat. Poignant story..
As you can imagine, I had a lump in my throat to accompany my tears as I wrote this one. I’m glad I did though as it challenged me on a whole new level. Thank you for reading.
I think this is the first time you’ve left me speechless. I’m in awe of this story, of the intricate layers and deep hurts. Hopefully, there will be small triumphs along the way. You are so brave to share this with us. I’m glad that you did!
Thank you my friend.
Whoo hoooo! Congratulations on getting Freshly Pressed! It’s been a long time over due if you ask me! You really knocked it out of the park with this post! I’m so proud of you my friend! 🙂
Thank you, but I continue to write because of the amazing friends and supporters I have been blessed to find on here. Thank you for your words and your friendship!
I know I read this before. You left me a link on one of my posts. I went looking for it because I wanted to use it for my post of the week, but when I clicked on it, it was a dead link. Am I losing my mind, or does this sound possible?
Adam, I think you’re referring to my post “All Grown Up” all about my dad’s death. It was a different post, but I see how this one could’ve triggered you to remember it. You’re not losing it! I had to delete it because it is being included in my book. The publisher told me it couldn’t be public domain.
Haunting lovely and the last paragraph strikes the heart. Well done.
http://socalmistress.wordpress.com/
Thank you.
Oops…don’t know what happened there. Sorry.
This is such powerful writing…I was not there to witness my father’s death, and that has haunted me to this present day. You have shown me how watching him leave could be just as traumatising. I love your writing.
I believe with all my heart that a parent’s death is traumatizing whether you witness it or not, whether it is sudden or expected. We are NEVER prepared for it! Thank you taking the time to read my writing. I’m glad you enjoy it. I love reading your letters to your dad. It’s so beautiful that he lives on in your words!
I totally agree with you: we can NEVER be prepared.
And I love reading your writing too. They’re always beautiful, and invested with emotions and with thought.
Wow! Not sure if you are aware I read your blogs all the time, but you write amazingly well. This one brought tears to my eyes, so sad I didn’t get to see it any other way.
Jessica, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the thoughts I share here. I appreciate it. Yes, I admit I had tears in my own eyes as I wrote this one.
This is such powerful writing…I was not there to witness my father’s death, and that has haunted me to this present day. You have just shown me how being there to watch him leave could as just as traumatising.
Wonderful writing, and a very moving tale indeed.
Thank you for reading.
Wow, that’s a very powerful piece of writing!
Serious respect for even being willing to share this with us.
Thank you for taking the time to read it. It was definitely a tough subject for me. I’m grateful for the kind words and support I always get from fellow bloggers like yourself. It definitely helps me to embrace challenges like this one.
I’m happy if my words help you at all.
Thanks for taking the time to read my take on the photo too.
Your piece is very well written. You had my interest from the first line and I’m easily distracted! Thanks for sharing your work.
You are too kind, but thank you nonetheless.
i am your
Pure art. When you get me to cry, you have won the prize. You write so beautifully. This will be one I come back and re-read when I am not rushing off to work!!! I love your last sentence about hugs! What a great line for a poem:
So…I find comfort in revisiting these hugs, for it is the only reminder of the person I once knew.
Beautiful!
Thank you. It was definitely a challenge for me on a very emotional level. I live for those hugs!
Wow…such a sad story, but beautifully written.
Thank you. It was tough for me to write…so close to my heart. 🙁 Thanks for reading.
Congrats on being FP!!